my husband is driving my daughter away

This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. We were never close because by the time I was a teenager, I felt like I couldnt be my own person around him and like I was always walking on eggshells so as not to pick the wrong activity to occupy myself with. By keeping a few key things in mind, you can make headway in even the toughest situations. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. As a result, she may start to rebel and act out, which can eventually drive her away from her family. You dont always get to do the things you want and sometimes have to compromise. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is? My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. And theyre relationship suffered because my dad never made an effort to step up and show interest in what he was interested in. July 3, 2013, 1:14 am, Lily in NYC Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. I am a huge fan of Pandemic its a co-op game, so you play against the disease and work as a team. And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. 6napkinburger In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. You didnt cause the problem, and you cant fix it. Get out the frying pan. I see his point to some extent. Her husband could be one of those people. When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. Seriously, this guy is an asshole. But he let them happen, and would use them to talk to me about other books or stories that would expand my horizon. Good musicals can be complex and beautiful and again, deal with some pretty mature themes. Jordan was my fave back in the day. My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. Well, I feel like I may offer a different perspective on this. Unless you are from PA, of course. I firmly believe that there is no such thing as reading too much. Um, no. Whats wrong with a daughter that is well-informed by national geographic and knows how to make a fire? July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. All these behaviors contribute to the problem and are probably making the daughter less inclined to spend time with him. HA! You need to be very careful, then, to avoid reacting out of worry or false guilt. But, for example, my mom used to watch I Love Lucy and Alfred Hitchcock Presents late at night, and during the summers, Id stay up late, and I gradually developed a taste for both of them. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. I strongly agree with this. However, if you do decide to stay together, know that its possible to overcome this obstacle and build a strong family bond. We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. And so does dad. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? My ex-husband had custody for 6 1/2 years. Is Your Partner Driving You Crazy? | Psychology Today My father would have considered my sister and I uninformed if we held an opinion that he didnt share, even if we weighed both sides and did research on the issue. And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! I had the same experience at college! When I was a kid, I shared a lot of interests with my mom, too, and not as many with my dad. He is clearly not getting the message. Seems to notice every bad thing they do but rarely praises. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. But the most consistent and deep internal driver is the terror of being controlled. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. I was trying to figure out how to phrase it. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. So because you think something is a timewaster you get to mock people for their interests at 12. Agreed. More of a this is silly than yall are stupid eye roll. Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. painted_lady Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. Do you think he liked listening to my fangirlish squees? Its great to have an involved parent, but its also good to take a step back and take time for yourself and your marriage. A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. I actually agree with this wholeheartedly, and Im happy for you, your partner, and your little girl! She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. The idea that you want your husband to now turn into what YOU probably secretly have always wanted him to be a fellow fanboy! New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. The LW can do more to assist, and certainly needs to break away from the us versus him mentality (its easier said that done) but at the same time she cant force 2 other people to enjoy their time together. You couldnt easily figure out what was going on, and you probably liked the challenge, so you became an eager relationship sleuth, avidly assembling clues that seem to make the next move more predictable. July 2, 2013, 12:45 pm. So you need to be more encouraging of her spending time with him and stop acting like a little club. He may feel like hes being left out or that he isnt good enough for his daughter. I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. I was/am (?) And while there are many reasons why daughters might want their parents to split up, here are some of the most common ones: If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. He is honest, reliable, and sincere. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. It is definitely a good idea for the LW to lead her daughter by example by showing an interest in Dads interests and even suggesting an outing that he would like or that all of them would enjoy. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. What is this site, a Masters program? But he can be a great dad regardless. Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. Yeah, I think its going to be hard for her to get her husband to listen to her parent to parent if hes already being alienated. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . Up to a point. But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. lets_be_honest Skyblossom The wife should be supportive of his efforts, but he needs to act like a grown man and stop being so selfish. Or raising a child who should have a bigger perspective about the world and what is going on. He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. That was what I meant about finding articles that the daughter would be interested in at first. If she likes Star Trek and Firefly and he likes science they might both like going to a science museum. I dont know why the father doesnt like Star Trek, but shows like Eureka, Warehouse 13, and Revolution are all pretty good cross sections of fangirlyness and science. You're surely not alone. Usually sharks.). If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. And musicals should be revered as an art form. Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. As always, your anonymity is golden. Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference.

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